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Was it my fault?

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Life is short. No one knows when the table will turn against us. Perhaps, this is the reason why we should not bother about the future. We all say that it is our karma that determines the consequences of our life. Howbeit looking in retrospect, does the karma of other people play a part in our lives, too?

Think of it.

Begins…

Sometimes I feel what I have done to deserve those things. What is it that makes me unable to hold on to someone?

I always contemplate why I am unable to express myself to someone.

I think that some things are beyond our control; like the people coming in our lives.

Nevertheless, I found someone who made me think…

(Past)

“You got to think of your future, Kabir,” Nikhil said driving his car.

Nikhil is a charm among the ladies; has a swagger that would intimidate even the best looking man. Despite these attributes, he is a pretty all-up-to-me type of guy, like an introvert. But after spending some time with him, I can say that he is a nice man to hang out with.

Oh, by the way, did I mention, we both share the same field of data analytics? Yeah! I am also good, have done sufficient study to reach this level but boy, he is here without anybody’s help and he takes pride in it. Self-made is an apt word for him.

Nikhil was a self-made man. Quite hardworking in which he takes pride in.

After all this, he is a fun guy to deal with. Although, all this I can say only after working with him for a month. The fact that we had never interacted before this made us a bit apprehensive of our time together.

However, this is what projects do. A client request brought us in a team together and made us identify that we can work together!

“But, don’t you think that the management should take a call on this project,” I reverted after some time.

“Kabir, I am not talking about the project. Look at me, I always know that there is a way forward and despite being in a senior position, I am looking for something bigger,” Nikhil said, “…you have to think for your future mate, how long will you stick around this firm.”

He had a point after working for about a couple of years or so, I had spent sufficient time here and had to look forward. If I have to idolize him then he is the epitome of success and hard work in my field. What people say is that he was so good that he made his way into the senior management in just one year after being introduced as an executive. Quite a thing!

“Hmm… but Nikhil, I don’t look that forward; yes, things are going fine and even we are working on a project that will get us a promotion so what’s the deal with rushing,” I replied after some thinking, he remained quiet.

He parked the car outside my house and told me how I need to study to look at things beyond my imminent future. In spite of what he said, all I cared about was my cozy sleep on my bed.

As we expected, over time, the project was completed and was successful. We were awarded the best team of the year. Though it was our teamwork, it was Nikhil who was applauded. This made me envious.

Nikhil getting the credit rattled me from inside.

Even though I never really wanted to show him what I felt, the situation got a little precarious. We were not talking, often had arguments going forward with other projects. Furthermore, the fact that they gave my share of credit to him aghast me and it took the better of me.

In the meantime, Nikhil tried to make things okay by approaching me; but, my false ego made me unreachable. Felt that the friendship had turned into a rivalry. I have to outclass this guy in the next project.

One night, I had three missed calls and five texts from Nikhil. I ignored them. He called me again and I did the same; though my partner told me to take this matter a little easy yet the negativity couldn’t extinguish the fire.

Days passed and then weeks, Nikhil was not seen in the office. There were rumors that he might have left for the bigger project, but there was no clarity. One day, the police came searching for me, and called for an inquiry. I was perplexed. Why did they come for me? What have I done? Out of 400 employees why me? The feeling swept my brain with ambiguity and a little fear.

Reaching the conference room, DSP Sharma said, “Mr. Kabir do you have any idea where Mr. Nikhil is?”

“No Sir, I don’t,” I replied, “Why what’s the matter, Sir?”

“Hmm… I see that he called you a couple of weeks back; was there anything he told you?” He asked.

“Sir, I was unable to pick his call, could you kindly tell me what the matter is?” I replied.

“Well…  we regret to inform you that Mr. Nikhil has committed suicide and we have found a suicide note near his body.”

“But… why did he commit suicide?” I asked.

“Well… the suicide note we have found says that Mr. Nikhil was feeling a bit lonely and had no one to share his feelings with.” He replied.

“And?” I queried.

“And… this is all he wrote,” the DSP concluded.

“We have informed his family. We just wanted to make sure that there is no other angle,” he said.

My heart wrenched and the body went numb. I couldn’t hear anything. I was shocked! What the hell? When, how and why started to cross my mind. I couldn’t tell anyone how I felt. I got sick from the inside.

(Present)

… That I could have dealt with the situation better that may be getting over my competitive nature and seeing his innocence might not have resulted in this. Maybe picking his call and hearing him out was the solution going forward.

Maybe picking his call and hearing him out would have made a difference.

Huh! I do feel that I was an idiot to react that way. When I sit in his cabin, residing in his official position, I can’t forgive myself for what I have done.

Could things have ended on a different note? Maybe. Was it entirely my fault? The unshakeable feeling of guilt is hard to cope with. I guess situations like these are thrown into the lives of individuals tailored to see the possible outcomes. Thus making me realise that it’s never wrong to introspect; and, keep your ego and anger out of the equation.

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